Marriage and Relationship Problems 

Relationship issues and marital problems are a very common occurrence.  In fact, almost everyone who is married or in a committed relationship experiences difficulties.  For many, these difficulties can create much distress even to the point of ending the relationship.  These problems if not handled in productive ways tend to get worse over time.  However, it is possible to break the negative patterns.  Some couples can accomplish this on their own, but often help from a couple therapist is required.

Should I Seek Help? 

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage no matter how much we attempt to make it so.  Therefore, most people can benefit from help with a professionally trained Marriage & Family Therapist.  Most couples can typically navigate the problems in daily living as they are fairly common and not overwhelming.  Other couples seek help from a counselor even though their relationship is going well in an effort to enhance their experience and satisfaction.

However, things can deteriorate to deeper levels of disappointment, anxiety and/or frustration and resentment, resulting in dissatisfaction, conflict and arguing without resolution, which can be extremely tiring.  On the other hand, some couples don’t fight but feel a sense of disconnection.  They cease doing nice things for each other and stop talking which can lead to further deterioration.   Arguing without resolution, feeling bad, loss of friendship and sex are warning signals.  Worse are contempt, withdrawal, violence and the feeling of no connection.  These are very serious symptoms and could lead to separation or divorce.

Sometimes the marital problems that couples experience may involve communication, problem solving, parenting disagreements, and/or sex.  They often evolve because people don’t know how to talk to each other, act or provide support.  Things may go well for a while, but later as the marriage or relationship progresses, many individuals are not prepared to deal effectively with the required tasks.  A good example is the changes that occur after children are born, and as they grow.  There are other marital problems as well such as substance abuse or affairs, which can be devastating.

Allowing marital problems to continue is dangerous in that these emotional issues can get worse leading to other problems.  Children are also obviously affected in negative ways.

What Might Work ?

There is good news.  If you are willing to do the work, it is possible to get your relationship/marriage back on track.

As mentioned above, there is no such thing as the perfect marriage, or the perfect relationship.  All take work.  The counselor can help in various ways.  For example, it’s important to be able to learn to understand yourself as well as your partner.  Other skills to be learned might include effective “fighting,” and problem solving and being able to discuss differences.  It’s sometimes painful and frustrating to discover some of the things about being in a relationship we learned growing up in our families do not work.  In addition, stress sometimes also has a negative affect on keeping things happy.

Some treatment for marital problems includes creating or recreating skills like improving communication, solving problems and fighting fairly.  Counseling can also include recognizing each other as two separate people, increasing understanding and accepting differences.  There are issues that all couples have over the course of a marriage, and it is important to learn to deal with these effectively before they become overwhelming.

Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT) have special and focused training in dealing with couples.  They are skilled in helping couples begin to see some progress even when facing difficult issues.  There is more than one method of providing couple work.  Some therapists use behavioral methods of skill building, others explore the reasons why things evolved to the way they are, but most use a combination of these.  If you are struggling with a marital problem, perhaps this is the time to call a therapist and schedule an appointment.  Finding a therapist is relatively easy, but look for one who has the training and experience with these issues.

Naturally, beginning the process can be difficult.  It’s not so easy to discuss your relationship problems in front of a stranger, and easy to become somewhat discouraged in the beginning.  Many couples with problems sometimes can feel skeptical and pessimistic that therapy will help things change.  However, most who decide to try therapy soon create better ways of dealing with their issues.  Of course, determining how quickly things will improve varies which each couple.  While it is possible for things to change fairly quickly, it’s possible a longer period of time would be required.  In the beginning, it’s hard work, but things tend to get easier as time progresses.

Is There An Option If My Partner Refuses To Participate? 

Yes, there is.  It is not unusual for a partner to not seek help even when necessary.  You can try to encourage them to attend, since it is more difficult to fix things on your own.  However, a Marriage & Family Therapist usually has ideas that you can do yourself to help bring about change, and ways to approach the other about beginning treatment together.